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Congratulations to the RCGP – for once you’ve left me speechless

Congratulations to the RCGP on its proposed ‘wellbeing packs’ for members aimed at boosting frontline GP morale. Not on the pack itself, which is clearly the spawn of Satan, but on the fact that for the first time I can remember, I am utterly stumped for something to say. Because, while I do like to rip the piss out of things, the sad truth is that the bald facts of this story are far more hilarious than I anything I could ever dream up. In short, I am defeated.

I can’t speak anymore

To summarise: this tonic for the troops will include a bag of chocolate coins, some tea bags, a mindfulness colouring book and a ‘gratitude journal’, which is for us to write down things that we are grateful for.

I realise, even as I write these words, that I might well be the victim of some elaborate joke, and that therefore, I am making myself look a complete tit. But the story is presented with absolutely no irony whatsoever, and I find myself thinking, yes, that’s exactly the sort of thing the College would do. And I can’t speak anymore.

Oh, other than to say this: arsey GP, you have let me down time and time again by being so utterly detached from reality, so utterly lacking in the ability to connect with the grassroots, so utterly predictable and fluffy and awful and nauseating and misguided and patronising and so utterly brilliant in making another little bit of me die every time you try to invigorate us. This idea is simply the final turd on top of one really massive crock of shit, which is maybe why I’ve completed my colouring book completely in brown.

I note, however, that it’s only officially ‘under consideration’, which implies you’re requesting feedback. That’ll be a ‘No’, then.

Dr Tony Copperfield is a GP in Essex. You can follow him on Twitter @DocCopperfield