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Dead GPs should be allowed to return to practice

Dead GPs will be allowed to remain on the performance list under new proposals being discussed by the RCGP and NHS England.

‘We’re exploring the possibility that dead doctors could have their appraisals whilst in the spirit realm,’ said a Royal College spokesman. ‘There’s nothing stopping them gathering the evidence they need and I heard that keeping up to date when you’re omnipresent is relatively straightforward.’

In a bid to remove barriers for dead GPs wanting to return to practice, there will also be back to work schemes designed for the ethereal.

‘We conducted our first pilot study last week,’ says NHS England, ‘the spirit of a long-dead doctor was summoned to the waiting room of an inner city practice. She was outraged at first and started chucking chairs around but when we calmed her down she managed to see all the urgents.’

Colin, one of the patients involved in the study says: ‘I’ve never been so terrified. I was lead into a room to consult the “doctor”.

‘She was just a big blob of ectoplasm and looked like a supernatural blancmange with a stethoscope sticking out the side.

‘She upped my inhalers and asked me to come back next week for a review but I think I’m going to book in with somebody else.’

‘I know there’s a recruitment crisis but please don’t summon me again,’ says the long-dead GP.

‘I like it up here. The weather’s always nice, you get treated with respect and there’s a lot less paper work to do. It’s a bit like Australia.’

Dr Kevin Hinkley is a GP in Aberdeen.