K hole presents: the GP Christmas TV guide:
That was the year that was…
Depressing overview of the year involving three minutes of actual news footage interspersed by three tedious hours of a celebrity you’ve never heard of evacuating ill-informed views on what Britain should do with its stock pile of anti-virals.
24 hours in a heart-warming A&E-f*ck-wit-blood-bath. Ellie, fresh out of med-school gets to suture for the first time and ends up stitching the end of her glove onto an unsuspecting man’s forehead. Later on she gets blooded as a rabid punter, off his tits on legal highs, froths at the mouth and tells her to ‘f*ck off’ whilst slipping in three fat inches of his own vomit.
Professor Steve Field 24 hour mash-up
Prof Field carries around a miniature camera trained on his face for 24 hours. Watch his face as he drives to work, watch as he chews an egg and cress sandwich and then watch as he picks out the cress from his teeth. Watch as his scalp veins distend with fury as he gets to spend some sexy time at the end of another satisfying day. All accompanied by a Daft Punk sound track.
Fly-on-the-wall documentary focussing on medically implausible symptoms. A 30-year-old woman claims she’s coughed up her thyroid (again) and a man feels like he’s wearing a wet woollen onesie even though he spends his days completely naked. Utter disbelief.
A day in the life of the Royal College
This week the college lackeys are forced to dress in maids’ outfits as they dust chandeliers, light members’ cigars and wheelbarrow an endless procession of gold bars into the basement.
Popular series from the 70’s is back for a one-off Christmas special. This week Dr McKinniniley’s car breaks down just outside the village of Merry on the Wolds. A helpful local farmer gives him a lift on his tractor so he can visit tartan-wearing Mrs McGeachie who hasn’t pooed in over a week. She’s so grateful that the doctor has made a 30 mile round trip in the snow that she offers him a glass of whiskey and a laxative. Watch as on his way home he takes a desperate shit behind a bush.
Dr Kevin Hinkley is a GP in Edinburgh