Practically everyone in the UK is vitamin D deficient and will snap in two unless we start chaining virgins to rocks say scientists.
A ton of medical experts, led by Prof Candid, have shown that practically everyone in the UK is vitamin D deficient and the rest are just knackered. They recommend urgent action in the form of supplication and sun worship.
‘We’ve got to stop dishing out the chewy tablets,’ says sun expert Prof Candid, ‘instead we have to put on foppish head gear, get out into the woods and start chanting.’
Prof Candid offers the following evidence-based chant: ‘Oh great merciful sun, oh magnificent creator of life, oh worthy of worthies, bring thee back to our dismal shores and throw thine rays on to our skins. We appeal to thee to replace our vitamin D.’ Chaining a virgin to a rock (if you can find one) is an optional extra.
‘GPs should not only promise the earth but they should promise the sun as well,’ says Prof, ‘And if that doesn’t work try sodding off to Tenerife for a couple of weeks.’
Dr Kevin Hinkley is a GP in Edinburgh