The Government has confirmed that evil people who smoke evil cigarettes will be confined to underground bunkers.
Smoking, a bad habit since the 15th century, has been banned in pubs and restaurants and will soon be banned in open public spaces.
According to the health secretary, pretty much the whole of the UK will soon be smoke-free and the scourge of smoking will finally be stubbed out.
Professor Candid, who enjoys smoking roll-ups in cinemas says: ‘People love smoking. For those who don’t know what it’s all about, you get some dried leaves, roll them up, set fire to the end and use your lungs to pump the toxins directly into your bloodstream. It’s awesome! Well, it is until you start coughing up blood.’
Another enthusiastic smoker and mother-of-three, Julie, says: ‘I already have to drive half a mile from my house and shimmy up a tree before I can light up a cancer stick, the thought of having to share a disused mine shaft with a shivering group of equally irresponsible parents makes me want to quit.’
One health insider told us: ‘If you think this smoke-free UK idea is all about improving the health of the nation, then think on. We don’t give a shit about your lungs! The reality is we’ve got an enormous budget deficit to fill and the NHS is already over-spent by billions. If tobacco companies were more considerate and wiped people out, rather than letting them cling on to life at great public expense, then none of this would be a problem.’
Professor Candid concluded: ‘We believe that when smokers are confined to underground bunkers, as the government has proposed, they’ll eventually interbreed and form a colony of sightless pale creatures with gills.’
He took a huge draw on his spliff and continued in a much squeakier voice: ‘Because who needs eyes and lungs if you live in a smoke-filled underworld?’
He then bowed his head and started to laugh hysterically at his thumbs.
Dr Kevin Hinkley is a GP in Aberdeen.