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GPs live in diamond houses and wear gold pants all day long

After the disappointing response to the BMA’s call for industrial action the Department of Health suggests that the real reason why GPs didn’t get involved in the strike is because they’re a well-organised group of gangster rappers who were too busy counting their wonga in secret underground rapper-caves.

A DoH spokesman says: ‘We’re collecting evidence to support the hypothesis that GPs are in fact underground billionaire rap stars who live in diamond houses and wear gold pants all day long. It’s clear that they couldn’t care less about their pensions because they’ve got enough spondoolies to buy Jamaica. And yes you heard me, I did use the word spondoolies!’

A GP from North Hants who prefers to be called Professor Green said: ‘I is like minted man, I don’t get outta bed for less than a thou, d’ya get me. I iz da bomb, da bomb!’

He then rather confusingly added ‘I’m also the shizzle fo rizzle, ma nizzle.’

A government aid close to the health secretary says: ‘It still isn’t clear how GPs got so rich but we know it’s nothing to do with hard work, life-long dedicated service and professionalism. We think they must have either gone double platinum or finally found a way to turn their patients’ bodily secretions into gold.’

One of Professor Green’s worried patients told us: ‘I keep getting cystitis and it’s disturbing to think that my innocent urine samples could have been made into a fancy pair of loop earrings and an over-sized bling-ring!’

Dr Kevin Hinkley is a GP in Aberdeen