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GPs not best placed to sort out the problems of the Internet

If you’re interested in violence and pornography then why not check out something called the Internet?

The Internet was invented in the 90s by a teenager in Dundee who kept his toenail clippings in a sandwich bag and vowed never to stray from the pungent sanctuary of his heavily curtained bedroom. 

Despite its promising start, the Internet has caused all sorts of problems. We spoke to Jeremy, a 32-year-old self-confessed Internet addict: ‘I didn’t see anything wrong with what I was doing but after a while some strange things started to happen to my body. My hand hooked over into a kind of claw and the old man began to blister and fill up with fluid. And when I say old man I‘m not talking about my dad. I went to see my GP and after laughing for what seemed like an unreasonable length of time he prescribed some cream and recommended self-restraint.’

Jeremy had never really heard of self-restraint so he Googled it and accidentally typed in ‘Japanese role play’ instead.

Professor Candid who has researched the Internet pornography business for his latest book ‘Quick come and have a butchers at this! A professionals guide to Internet addiction’ says, ‘If the Internet is a web then pornography is a great big eight legged porno freak that wants to suck the life force out of you with its fangs before wrapping you up in a cocoon of self-hating onanism and hurling you head first into the contorted, screaming mouth of the world’s biggest electronic sex-face.’

Rather than seeing your GP, who is ill-equipped to deal with this problem, he recommends switching off your computer and going out for a run – erection permitting. 

Dr Kevin Hinkley is a GP in Edinburgh