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Hey Capita, a tiny word you are going to hear from me A LOT



So let me make sure I’ve got this right. According to reports, Capita is going to ‘ask’ us, annually, to provide an unconsented list of patients who haven’t been seen for five years with a view to contacting them and then removing them from our lists if they don’t respond, thereby breaching confidentiality, increasing our workload and decreasing our income, and this is something that NHS England believes we are likely to do without the need for contractual change.

I can’t see the problem, can you? Oh, wait, yes I can. We might say ‘yes’, partly because we tend to be a bunch of nice, accommodating, over co-operative professionals and partly we because we are so dazed and confused at the moment that we might just do whatever’s expedient. So I’m going to remind everyone that there is an alternative to saying yes, or any of its variants, and just in case you’re in doubt as to how to do this, here’s a ready reckoner:

Do not say this Instead, say this
Yes No
Oui Non
Ja Nein
Yeah Nah
Okay Nokay
Of course Of course not
Uh huh Uh-uh
Yup Nope
Totally Untotally
Way No way
Yessir No maaaam
Okey dokey Nokey dokey
By all means Go screw yourself
Yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes ….YES! F-off.

In other words, we just need to learn lots of words for ‘no’ in the same way that the Eskimos have so many words for snow. Or, we need to say ‘no’ repeatedly and loudly, which, in case you’re not sure how that would work, would go something like this: NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO. NO. Keep doing this and I guarantee the person waiting for you to say ‘yes’ will eventually go away.

That’s it. Simple. Sorted. Understand? Or rather, do you not understand? Exactly: no. You’re getting the hang of it. Now, try that when Capita give you a call.

Dr Tony Copperfield is a GP in Essex. You can follow him on Twitter @DocCopperfield