Hipster beards are a poor prognostic sign, confirm experts.
Normal medicines were simply not ’hipsterish’ enough
Patients sporting Edwardian facial hair replete with twizzly moustache and brass monocle (even though they have two perfectly functioning eyes) simply refuse to get better new research reveals.
‘We organised intense focus groups with hipsters,’ explains Professor Candid, ‘and found that normal doctors and normal medicines were simply not “hipsterish” enough to meet the social and cultural demands of this particular group of tits.’
The researchers also found that compliance with medications would improve if pharmacists stopped selling nit combs and became ‘purveyors’ of tinctures and artisan coffee enemas dispensed from converted telephone boxes or ‘ironic’ urinals which were previously used for cottaging.
‘My advice to hipsters,’ says Prof, ‘is to shave off that silly beard and sling your penny farthing into a skip. What’s so great about looking like your granddad? The last time your granddad was great was when he was slaughtering Nazis.’
Prof Candid’s research has already been taken up by marketing people, people who sit around all day dreaming of stuff. Pharmacy outlets are to be reimagined as Medici health bars and pile cream is to be given a new lease of life by being sold in recycled bottles of Bishops Finger.
‘You stupid stupid bastards,’ concludes Prof.
Dr Kevin Hinkley is a GP in Edinburgh