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‘I can’t wait to test all of my whingers for vitamin D deficiency’

According to the latest piece of research around 90% of Brits have a vitamin D deficiency and the rest are just knackered.

The researcher explains: ‘Just when you thought that living in this country couldn’t get any shitter, the sun goes and disappears. We don’t mean disappearing behind a bank of cloud, we mean properly disappearing, like it’s dropped out of the sky or something.

‘I know what you’re thinking, boo-hoo my baby’s going to get rickets, but wipe away those tears and just think about all that lovely money we can make from flogging chewy tablets.’

Colin, a vitamin D deficient alcoholic says: ‘I used to be wake up every morning feeling like shit with my tongue stuck to the roof of my mouth and a faint smell of wee wafting from my bed-sheets. I thought it was the bottle of sherry I’d downed the night before, but now I know it’s the sun’s fault for not giving me enough vitamins.’

‘I went to my doctor and when she diagnosed me with a vitamin D deficiency I could have hugged her. Well, I would have done if she hadn’t mysteriously bolted to the other side of the room and grabbed her fire extinguisher.’

Professor Candid, who works for the Department of Calcium, says: ‘The sun used to give us vitamin D. Do you remember the sun, that bright happy yellow thing that beamed at us from the sky? Well, forget him because he’s turned into a right bastard. He doesn’t have his hat on and he’s definitely not coming out to play.’

When asked what was being doing about the situation the professor replied:

‘You can take some simple measures yourself like increasing your daily intake of dairy, spending more time outside or try going ginger for a while. Personally I’m in discussions with the druids who think that an all night woodland-based orgy is long over due.’

A brassed-off doctor from Gravelly Hill says: ‘I can’t wait to test all of my whingers for vitamin D deficiency, at last I’ll be able to give them a fabbysounding diagnosis and a nice chalky tablet which makes them think I really know what I’m doing.

‘We’ve seen a huge increase in people who are just knackered all the time. We think it might be drinking a bottle of Merlot before having to get up at 6am to drive to a job you hate in the rain. Or it might be due to something else.’

Dr Kevin Hinkley is a GP in Aberdeen