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I know exactly what I want to spend my personal health budget on

Dear NHS,

I’m not feeling too well at the moment, I’ve got a dicky thyroid and a weak ankle, so I’m writing to let you know that I want to spend my personal health budget on the following:

1 x replacement pair of curtains (46” x 54”). Ever since my wife, Mrs S, pointed out that the vase and flower design on our bedroom curtains looks just like a grinning skull wearing a bonnet I haven’t been able to sleep. This has wreaked havoc with my ankles.

1 x self-help book and Kindle. I once read a self-help book and I found it really helpful. It was called ‘You, Your Thyroid, Euthyroid and You’. I just wish I could remember who had written it.

1 x tube of ankle cream (for my ankles)

1 x trip to Birmingham. (Mrs S has always fancied a trip there, not for the canals but for the shopping! Typical! Besides it would be good for my ankle) 

1 x all-in-one bubble-wrap body suit for hours of self-indulgent physio. If this hasn’t been invented yet, I think the NHS should get on to it.

1 x seasonal goitre holder (cotton mix; washable). Pretty self-explanatory really.

1 x life-size waxworks mannequin of Frank Bruno. My wife is a big fan and I can’t wait to see the look on her face when she comes back from Bingo and switches on the hall light to be confronted by this boxing legend! Gloves up!

2 x tickets to see an offensive comedian. Preferably one that makes crude jokes about every day life, period pains and The Holocaust, because as you know laughter is the best medicine.

1 x new house. Must be near to the pharmacy (for easy collection of my thyroid tablets) and within drivable distance of an international airport.

Quite an impressive list wouldn’t you say?  

Please send them over to me soon, I can’t wait to rip open my parcels.

Mr S

Dr Kevin Hinkley is a GP in Edinburgh