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If anyone knows of common sense’s whereabouts, contact us immediately

We need your help to solve one of the UK’s grizzliest crimes. 

At approximately 3.15pm on Wednesday 12 December, just two weeks before Christmas, two masked men ran into the Department of Health and stole its common sense.

Police have been following up lines of enquiry and have issued a statement to the waiting press: “We have a suspicion that this is an inside job and we were hoping that someone would do us all a favour and just admit to it, but nobody has.

‘Despite some promising leads we’ve now drawn a blank. We know that looking for Common Sense in Britain is like looking for a needle in a hay stack so we appeal to all members of the public to remain vigilant.’

When asked what common sense looks like the officer in charge said: ‘Imagine a  life-like waxwork of Jeremy Hunt, have you got that? Good. Now imagine the exact opposite.’

Kerry, an unreliable witness and fussy mother of three said: ‘It all happened in front of me. Common sense was dragged out of the Department of Health, beaten, gagged and bungled into the back of a fiat before being driven off at high speed. In my panic I didn’t manage to get a description of the drivers or the registration number of the car, but I did notice that it needed a jolly good clean.’

It’s believed that the abductors then drove through Knightsbridge before disappearing entirely. Police can reveal that since the incident both ‘good will’ and ‘compassion’ have been given false identities and re-housed somewhere in the north.  

If anyone knows of Common Sense’s whereabouts, please contact us immediately.

But on no account should you approach any government minister wearing anything that looks even remotely like a woolly mask.

Dr Kevin Hinkley is a GP in Aberdeen