A homeless man from East Putney has admitted that he singlehandedly made up QOF, just for something to do.
The man, who has to remain nameless (not for legal reasons, but because he can’t remember it) says:
“You see it’s like this, I’ve lived under that bridge over there for most of my adult life.
“My day used to be: sit and stare at the bridge, urinate up the side of the bridge and then try and think of something else to do with the bridge.
“But there’s only so much a man can take and I’m not sure if you know much about bridges but they aren’t that interesting, so more often than not I would just sit and drink lighter fluid.
“Then, a few years back, I hit on the idea of occupying my time by making up an increasingly laborious contract for the country’s GPs.
“I now feel embarrassed that doctors up and down the land have slavishly followed QOF and I’m genuinely remorseful because most of it was written when I was completely smacked off my tits. I want doctors to remember that if QOF seems illogical then it probably is, and there’s a very good reason for it. It was written by a man who drinks meths and lives with a dead dog.”
He admits that aside from writing QOF his only other achievement in life was when he managed to convince his former partner that David Hasselhoff, of ‘Baywatch’ fame, is fitted with a prosthetic arm.
“The day she believed me was a moment of personal glory and one that I shall never, never forget.”
Dr Kevin Hinkley is a GP in Aberdeen