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Is it just me, or do the political parties all look the same?

‘You join us here outside the ITV studios and audience members are already beginning to come out. We’re talking to Steve here who’s come all the way from Croydon. Steve, how did you find the debate tonight?’

‘Hi there. I thought it was interesting, you know. Before tonight I didn’t know too much about politics if I’m honest, I’d only really ever heard of Ed Miliband and his younger brother Ed Balls.’

‘Did anyone particularly impress you tonight?’

‘Nah not really, it was quite weird seeing ‘em in the flesh though you know, seeing them with actual legs and that. I was quite surprised at how tall Ed Miliband is. When you see him on the telly he looks like you could squeeze him into a microwave or something but in reality he’s well over seven feet tall.’

‘As you know, the panel were quizzed over health and the NHS, who do you think came out on top of that debate?’

‘I don’t know really, I couldn’t really work out what was going on. They spent ages shouting at each other and every time one of them had a good idea about delivering health care I wrote it down but then I had to scribble it out because someone else had an even better idea. One of them just kept banging on about plants and lettuce and that, which just made me feel hungry. Then there was this other guy, who looked like the quirky neighbour from a tasteless sitcom, who was blaming foreigners for AIDS.

‘From what I could make out, though, they all thought that health was good and having loads more doctors and nurses was good, even that Scotch lady, but I thought they would have sorted it all out by now.’

‘What was your overall impression of the debate?’

‘They all used terms like “ordinary hard working families” and “we need a modern NHS that works for us” and even though everyone was saying the same thing they were disagreeing with each other at the same time. After a bit they all started to look the same and they all morphed together into a single blob that got bigger and bigger. And then this blob started drooling and writhing around and pulling at its own flesh and it was all crowned by Nigel Farage’s gibbering, toothless head. I couldn’t take my eyes off it. It was all so pitiful and godless, I just wanted to shoot it.’

‘Thanks for that, Steve. Well, there you have it, reaction live from the steps here at ITV. Only time will tell what effect this debate will have on the election. Now back to you in the studio.’

Dr Kevin Hinkley is a GP in Aberdeen