The flu has achieved great things, a slightly envious Jeremy Hunt has admitted.
‘In just a few short weeks this humble virus has transformed the NHS,’ Mr Hunt said.
‘It has flooded waiting rooms with disgruntled patients and forced over-worked GPs to take even more risks, to work even harder and to stay open even longer; in short its brought an already fragile and underfunded system to its knees…
‘I’m impressed. I’ve been trying to do this sort of shit for years!’
Jeremy added: ‘I’m planning to meet the virus in my offices next week and when I do I’m going to give it a big slap on the back and a peerage.
‘It’s hard to imagine that such a primitive organism whose only role in life is to ruthlessly parasite and destroy others is actually going to be sitting in the house of lords… Oh hang on a minute, maybe that’s not too hard to imagine.’
The flu virus, which doesn’t even have a back to slap, was too busy doing what Jeremy wished he could do to comment.