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Jeremy Hunt congratulates the flu for shafting the NHS

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The flu has achieved great things, a slightly envious Jeremy Hunt has admitted.

‘In just a few short weeks this humble virus has transformed the NHS,’ Mr Hunt said.

‘It has flooded waiting rooms with disgruntled patients and forced over-worked GPs to take even more risks, to work even harder and to stay open even longer; in short its brought an already fragile and underfunded system to its knees…

‘I’m impressed. I’ve been trying to do this sort of shit for years!’

Jeremy added: ‘I’m planning to meet the virus in my offices next week and when I do I’m going to give it a big slap on the back and a peerage.

‘It’s hard to imagine that such a primitive organism whose only role in life is to ruthlessly parasite and destroy others is actually going to be sitting in the house of lords… Oh hang on a minute, maybe that’s not too hard to imagine.’

The flu virus, which doesn’t even have a back to slap, was too busy doing what Jeremy wished he could do to comment.