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Labour plans to replace the whole of the UK with a sprawling hospital

Labour plans to replace the whole of the UK with a sprawling hospital.

The plan has been touted as the ultimate in integrated care and it’s hoped that the whole of the UK can be converted into an enormous hospital within just 10 years.

‘We’ve already made a start,’ says a Labour party activist, ‘and we’ve begun to grow the NHS out in the community and into peoples’ homes. Just imagine an enormous oil slick smearing everything in cloying oil, or an all pervasive cancer encroaching over everything you hold dear. It’ll be like that, but less hopeful.’

‘I used to have a lovely view” says Cheryl, disappointed mother of two,’ but when I open my curtains, instead of seeing the distant hills and the sunrise, I see miles and miles of smoothly waxed corridors and people wheeling drips around with their arses hanging out. It’s ungodly.’

It’s hoped that the scheme will rapidly spread to other parts of the UK and will ensure fully integrated care for everyone, because everyone will at all times be entombed by the NHS.

‘The only problem I foresee about turning the whole of the UK into an enormous sprawling hospital” says one government advisor, ‘is the question of parking. But there’s always Wales, I suppose.’

Dr Kevin Hinkley is a GP in Aberdeen.