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Leaked report reveals meat fat, nicotine and lying on the sofa is healthy

A leaked document from the future reveals that lamb-based smoothies and fags do you the world of good.

His research proved that fags make you feel like a God and that animal fat is yum

The report, dated circa 2060, reveals for the first time that blended animal fat, nicotine-enriched bilge and 10 hours of lying prostrate in front of the telly every night actually strengthens your heart and improves your quality of life.

The ‘North Sea diet’ as it became known, was pioneered by Prof Candid’s great-grandson (Prof Candid Junior) who was (or rather will be) working in the 2050s.

‘It’s important to see Junior’s work in context,’ explains Colin, time-machine inventor and expert in all things futuristic, ‘It came at a time when thousands of research papers supported the traditional view that eating lentils and sweating like a calorie-hungry pig in the gym were somehow virtuous. But then Prof Candid Jr came along and almost single handedly reversed all this with a completely new paradigm. His research proved that fags make you feel like a God and that animal fat is yum.’

Prof Jr’s report from the future ends with the simple message that cutting everything out of your life that would make you live to be a hundred actually makes you want to kill yourself in your early 20s. 

‘I’m so proud of my great-grandson! Or rather I will be,’ says Professor Candid, ‘He’s a chip off the old block, eh!’

Dr Kevin Hinkley is a GP in Edinburgh