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Light(en) up

‘Smokers are doing a grand job propping up the NHS,’ says the Department of Health.

Smoking, long thought of as naughty because it causes cancer and narrows your arteries is in fact good for the NHS.

‘It keeps a lot of GPs and hospital clinics afloat,’ said one cynical GP from the Midlands. ‘If you ask me, and I doubt you ever would, but if you did, I’d say that the latest ban on smoking cigarettes outside NHS buildings is a step too far. Without their custom we’d be forced to treat boring things like eczema rather than cool stuff like cancer and no I’ve never thought about seeing a counsellor!’

Smoking remains the favourite past time for up to a quarter of Britons and even though it’s really, really bad for you, people still seem to quite like it.

Brian, who has a tattoo of Cher on his arse says: ‘I’ve just had both of my legs cut off through smoking so I don’t have any hobbies any more. I used to really enjoy kicking people but I can’t even do that now. The thing that upsets me the most though is that my tattoo of Cher, which used to be my pride and joy, now looks like a bit like Debbie McGee after a house fire’

If you didn’t know, smoking shelters are disgusting fume-filled shacks where disgraced smokers congregate in the rain in order to fill their lungs with delicious tar.

‘If I didn’t get to smoke during my breaks,’ says one staff nurse ‘I think I’d go loopy. Smoking is a proven way of coping with stress and if you take that away from me I’d be forced to sit and eat Quality Street and cry.’

Professor Candid, expert in cigarette studies says: ‘I remember when I first started smoking, I looked so cool, now I just cough up lung oysters and have a voice like a gravel pit. Oh how I wish I could turn back the clock….have you got a light?’

Dr Kevin Hinkley is a GP in Aberdeen.