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Meet your new rootin’, tootin’ head of the NHS PLC

Multi-billionaire American businessman set to take over the NHS, it has emerged.

Troy Wallett the Third, a ‘highfalutin’ business tycoon from Texas, has set his sights on the NHS.

‘I’m gonna take over your commie piece o’ shit NHS, and I’m gonna make a whole lotta money for maself’ bellowed Troy, who happened to be wearing a cowboy hat at the time.

‘I’m gunna put cash machines into every single Accident and Emergency department, because there’s no better time to use your life savings than in a life-threatening emergency, right!?’

Because there’s no better time to use your life savings than in a life-threatening emergency

Troy also believes it’s high time the British went with the market. ‘Who needs the uninsured and the unemployed? I certainly don’t. If you wanna stay at ma hospital, ya gotta pay!’

Troy, who finishes most of his sentences with the expression ‘yee-haw’, also plans to make money out of electronic records, pay roll, pensions, human resources, medication management, mental health beds, primary care, medical education and even hospital parking (yee-haw!)

‘The future is a star-spangled Trump-Boris post-brexit extravaganza’, says Troy ‘and we’re gunna roar into the dollar-waving future on a jet plane of glittering dreams.’

‘But don’t worry’ says Troy. ‘We’re not planning to take over your country – we don’t need to, we’ve already done that! Yee-haw.’

Dr Kevin Hinkley is a GP in Australia who previously practised in Glasgow and Aberdeen