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New app for early dementia diagnosis

Millions of people can’t remember for the life of them where they put their car keys, but now the Government wants to diagnose them with dementia using a new app for the iPad.

A doctor involved in the pilot study says: "The new app is quick, simple and easy to use but we were alarmed at how many people there are out there who literally can’t tell their arses from their elbows, even when we showed them photos. At the current rate of detection, 90% of Britains will be diagnosed with dementia by next Monday and the remaining 10% will emigrate to somewhere less demented like France.

"Our research here at the 'Brain Centre' also shows that the new generation of iPads have now become far more intelligent than the average iPad user and can easily beat them at things like chess, long division and Connect Four."

He then added in hushed tones, "The potential repercussions of this for humanity are incalculable, have you ever seen Terminator 2 rise of the machines?...Think on!"

One minister explains: "High prevalence figures for dementia is great because it means we get to beat Europe at something for once and even though it’s good news for high street stores like Past Times which sell novelty tea pots and support hosiery it’s bad news for the export market and the country’s nuclear defence programme."

Spotting dementia is one thing but safety-netting patients with social and psychiatric support once they’ve wobbled off their cognitive tightrope is quite another.

When pressed about what measures had been put in place to help all of these people when they’ve been misdiagnosed the minister said, "Oh shite! I knew there was something I’d forgotten to do." He  paused before adding, "Hang on... Did I remember to turn the iron off this morning?"

Dr Kevin Hinkley is a GP in Aberdeen