A leading team of experts have confirmed that NHS England is some kind of lunatic robot which doesn’t understand Christmas.
‘We were granted unprecedented access to NHS England,’ says one expert ‘and we were able to ask it all sorts of questions to see if it had human qualities like empathy, a sense of humour or the unfailing urge to dance to Cotton Eye Joe at weddings. To be honest we were shocked by some of its replies.
‘We started off by asking it some simple questions like where are we now? And what kind of day have you had? But it just laughed at us and called us all pathetic. It even started to make fun of my sweater. When I explained that it had been a present from my dead wife it just laughed even harder and had a look of cold brutality in its eyes.
‘But when we asked it about doctors finishing early on Christmas Eve it went into a terrifying rant: “Every year you humans have celebrations, like birthdays and Christmas and Easter, which have got something to do with chocolate. But these days are exactly the same as any other day! I suggest we ban them, set fire to Santa and bin Christmas”.’
If GPs clock off early on Christmas Eve, NHS England has threatened to arm itself with a laser cannon and return naked to the 1980’s. Oh hang on that was just a film I saw.
Dr Kevin Hinkley is a GP in Aberdeen.