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Pathe news alert: Hurrah, Britain set for hellish dystopia!

Imperialist Prime Minister Boris Johnson has promised he’ll return the UK to precisely the way it was in 1941.

On the steps of number 10, a tousled-haired Boris Johnson declared: ‘I am confident, that with renewed energy, vigour and optimism in the Conservative Party, we will be able to wind back the clock’. 

As part of a package of promises, Boris has guaranteed that everybody in London will once again become malnourished on a diet of boiled cabbage, milky tea and a limited supply of salted butter, and that families will spend their nights shivering in underground bunkers praying that the Axis Forces don’t kill them.

‘I envisage a bright future’ says Boris. ‘A future in which dragging out the burnt remains of your elderly neighbour from under her house will help you reclaim a sense of Britishness.’

In the true spirit of 1941, Boris also looks set to sell off the NHS piecemeal

‘Who needs progress, a forward-looking modern economy and hundreds of trade deals’, continued Boris ‘when you can have the things that Churchill himself was so very proud of – things like workhouses, tuberculosis and plenty of fantastic job opportunities for women because all the young men have had their legs blown off?’

In the true spirit of 1941, Boris also looks set to sell off the NHS piecemeal, so that patients will once again have to either pay for their healthcare or, if they’re poor and vulnerable enough, get second-rate treatment from the local voluntary hospital.

‘Winding back the clock to a Churchillian fantasy land is the only way of moving forward’ says Boris. ‘And if you don’t believe me, you’re a traitor.’

Dr Kevin Hinkley is a GP in Australia who previously practised in Glasgow and Aberdeen