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Prepare to sign firearms licence forms … in your own blood

2017. The BMA will proclaim a major victory in the ongoing row with the Metropolitan Police and the British Association of Normal Gunowners (BANG) over firearms and shotgun licence forms.

In tense talks, the latest proposals will be hammered out after literally minutes of extremely arduous nodding by BMA negotiators. Under the agreement, GPs will be obliged to sign the forms in their own blood, to pay for both the licence and the guns, and assist with carrying ammo and reloading in the event of any rampage that may ensue.

The BMA team will express enthusiasm about the resulting opportunities for personal reflection and self-improvement that might arise for a GP running around desperately like Corporal Upham in Saving Private Ryan.

However, in a key concession, members who find themselves reluctantly involved in such a spree will be allowed to wear a prominent BMA-issue sticker proclaiming ‘I’m really not happy about this’ in a choice of colours and languages.

BANG spokeswoman Ann Iolate will say: ‘This is a tragic but isolated incident and in no way reflects on the vast majori…oh sorry, wrong statement. What I meant to say is that it is disgusting that GPs should try and shirk out of their clear responsibilities. Not only do I pay your wages but I also own several shooters, so do one.’

BMA source Matt D’Or will comment: ‘We hope members will be satisfied with the excellent deal we negotiated with the sticker manufacturers, enabling us to offer the stickers at a reduced price. It really is an excellent deal.’ He will then nod to himself and quietly repeated the words ‘really, really excellent’ before wandering away whistling softly.

The updated advice on the BMA website will run to 700 pages without taking a definite position at any point and for extra clarity will be rewritten entirely in Wingdings. 

Dr Pete Deveson is a GP in Surrey. You can follow him on Twitter @PeteDeveson

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