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Prof Candid predicts post-EU chaos

The UK has made the momentous decision to leave the EU and leading economist Prof Candid has predicted financial instability on an unfathomable scale caused by something called the Hertz-Bertram effect. 

‘Most people outside of economics think the Hertz-Bertram effect is just like the Havandra-Ravandra scenario, but it’s actually much worse. Put simply, and believe me it’s very difficult to put simply, my equations show that enormous sink holes will open up in the ground, money and assets and factories will pour into the underworld and from the enormous chasm a two-headed beast with tusks and leathery skin and bat wings will emerge to usher in an era of blood and fire. It’s gonna be pretty scary shit,’ admits prof. 

When questioned on the specific issue of healthcare he replied: ‘Oh the NHS, forget it! It’ll soon be reduced to smouldering rubble with all the docs left to wander aimlessly around the wreckage, bumping into each the like the bleary-eyed lobotomised zombie-puppets of a capricious Government. So it’s going to be pretty much business as usual.’

Dr Kevin Hinkley is a GP in Edinburgh