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RCGP admits: Australia isn’t real

The Royal College has finally admitted that Australia isn’t real.

Australia, a land brimming with sunshine and relentlessly happy people, offers hope to thousands of UK doctors each year.

But it seems that the reality is much more sinister.

‘It all started innocently enough,’ says a Royal College spokesperson.

‘We recognised that there was a bit of a dip in morale and so we made up Australia to give doctors something to aim for.

‘We made up impossible animals like the ‘kangaroo’ and spread rumours about cork-based headgear and magic bendy sticks thrown by people called Shane.

‘It was a bit like Narnia, except that everyone’s name ended in ‘O’. We never thought people would believe it, but when they actually wanted to go we had to think of alternatives.’

The alternative was a basement flat in Croydon and we managed to speak one of the lucky survivors.

‘One minute I was clutching my passport,’ says ‘Katie’. ‘The next thing I knew, I had been bundled into the back of a van and driven here.

‘I spent the next few years forced to work 18-hour shifts for NHS24. I was photoshopped drinking piss-weak lager while cuddling a koala bear, when in reality I was hugging another captive who was wearing a really fluffy jumper.

‘The fact that they called it Oz should have given me a clue as to whether it was real or not.’

After squeezing through a crack in the wall, Katie made a bid for freedom.

She urges anyone thinking of moving to Australia to watch the Chronicles Of Narnia films first.

Dr Kevin Hinkley is a GP in Edinburgh