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Saying ‘sausage’ causes cancer

Experts warn that saying the word ‘sausage’ can cause cancer.

A new study by the Food Standards Agency revealed that using the word sausage can cause a dangerous rise in cancer causing carcinogens.

Rather than saying ‘sausage’ the Government’s food safety watchdog recommends using the word Bratwurst or meat-cylinder.

 ‘Burning oil and dumping waste causes cancer but let’s be honest it’s easier to blame toast.’

Professor Candid, the FSAs chief scientific adviser and author of ‘Reading this book will give you cancer’ warns that dangerous words like ISIS, Assad, Putin and toast can also cause cancer, particularly if used in the same sentence.

‘We don’t advise that people stop using particular words,’ explains Prof ‘because that would make talking really hard. But if you say something like “Putin and Assad ate sausages on toast”, you’re dicing with death. What you should be saying is Vlad and Bash ate burnt bread and meat cylinders. It sounds ridiculous but at least you won’t start crapping blood.’

‘We’re only just realising how many things can cause cancer,’ admits Prof, ‘Calling your child Alfie, wearing a hipster beard, listening to Katy Perry, visiting an Apple store, saying things like “I liked their early stuff”, using Windows 8, pretending to enjoy work nights out because you’re so mental, describing yourself as bubbly, reading books by Dan Brown, starting every sentence with the word “so”, pretending you’ve always known where Crimea is and the mere act of brushing against a couple wearing matching sports jackets can also all cause cancer. Horrible, fungating life-robbing cancer. And by sheer coincidence these are also all the things I hate.’

He concludes: ‘Burning oil and dumping waste causes cancer but let’s be honest it’s easier to blame toast.’ 

Dr Kevin Hinkley is a GP in Edinburgh