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Ten ways to display your CQC results

So failure to display the results of your outstanding/good/ requires improvement/inadequate CQC inspection will now result in a fine of up to £500. I know this because I’ve just read the, uh, ‘intentionally….non-prescriptive’ regulations published in the DoH document, ‘Display of Performance Assessment’. That’s non-prescriptive guidance about presenting and positioning a single piece of paper which runs to 17 pages.

As a service to Pulse readers, I would like to suggest 10 ways you might want to fulfil this requirement.

1 Use irony/reverse pyschology. Put up a poster which states: ‘We realise we’re a shi**y practice run by shi**y doctors who do nothing but talk sh** and prescribe sh** drugs, so it should come as no surprise that the CQC has graded us as “inadequate”, which is their way of saying we are “complete and utter sh**”.’

2 Change the font size: ‘Result of CQC inspection: inadequate’.

3 Then, when the inspectors say the font size is too small, make it too big to fit on the wall:

‘Result of CQC inspection: ina-’

4 Bear in mind that, as per the guidance, the result must be accessible to individuals with disabilities. So, to accommodate those with impaired vision, put it up in Braille.

5 Use invisible ink.

6 Redefine that room round the back that nobody uses as ‘reception’ or a ‘waiting room’ (put a receptionist in it, or make a patient wait in it, for a few minutes per day to satisfy CQC requirements) and pin the results up there.

7 Print in bold, ‘Please do not deface this poster’ on the display.

8 Write it in Greek.

9 Swamp the ‘Result of CQC inspection: inadequate’ poster by covering the wall with hundreds of other posters of exactly the same size, font, format and colour and put on each, ‘Result of IDCQC: absolutely sodding brilliant’. If anyone asks, the IDCQC is the ‘I Don’t Care Quality Commission’. But don’t worry, they won’t.

10 Do the math. Average practice is four partners, £500 fine is £125, which is tax deductible, so, per partner, that’s virtually nothing. Man up, stuff the CQC, take the hit and put up a poster saying ‘The CQC are a bunch of cock’. I don’t mean that in a prescriptive way, mind.

Dr Tony Copperfield is a GP in Essex. You can follow him on Twitter @DocCopperfield