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The CQC advent calendar

To commemorate Christmas and the birth of Santa the CQC has released a festive calendar.

It’s six o’clock in the morning and we’re stood with Dr Colin McKenzie in his hallway: ’This is today’s little door, let me just open it up and prise out the piece of chocolate… here she comes. And now we can read today’s message of good will. And it says “You should be ashamed of yourself”. Well there we go. Yesterday it was “Get your finger out you pillock” and the day before that it was “Reform or die”.’

The calendar, which was modelled on Professor Steve Field’s head has been on sale since mid-November and delivers bad news in festive chunks.

‘It’s quite nifty,’ says Colin, ‘Every time you go near it Steve’s nose flashes and his eyes swivel round, ok it freaks out the dog and it’s incredibly demoralising but apart from that it was well worth the money.’

A spokesman for the CQC says: ‘Here at the CQC we firmly believe that the countdown to Christmas should involve delivering shit news wrapped in chocolate that tastes just like cardboard. Besides if we sell enough calendars we can replace the bulbs in one of our chandeliers. Bargain!’

Dr Kevin Hinkley is a GP in Edinburgh