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The Daily Mail despises everything in the known universe

The Daily Mail despises everything in the known universe, even the bits you can’t see, it has emerged. 

The Mail, like a papery Richard III, has an extensive hate-list which includes foreigners, foreign money, foreigners with money, foreign doctors and defenceless kittens playing with balls of wool, but only if they’re foreign.  

‘We’ve moved on from hating GPs,’ says one insider, ‘nailing the medical profession to the cross with poor journalism and dubious ethics is so yesterday. We’ve set ourselves a new challenge: hating things which aren’t really there.

‘That  tunnel in CERN winds me up for a start. Did you know it contains absolutely nothing, not even a vacuum! And don’t even get me started on dark matter. We hate “nothing” because nothing doesn’t pay any taxes.’ 

It’s also rumoured that the paper has begun to hate abstract concepts like ‘shame’, some common English words like ‘doctor’ and even some simple shapes.

Our source added: ‘We’ve particularly got it in for triangles which are blatantly just half a square.’

In an ironic twist of fate there’s rumour that the paper has even begun to hate itself.

A media expert says: ‘If the Daily Mail were a person he’d put a hood over his head, pick up his bag of dead kittens and spend all night skulking through the dark sewers of your mind.’

Dr Kevin Hinkley is a GP in Aberdeen.