Monday
Decided to start writing a diary today. I’m going to follow in the footsteps of the great diarists, like Pepys, Virginia Woolf and Shakespeare.
I wanted my diary to be more interesting than theirs but diary writing is all about telling the truth. So here goes. For breakfast I had bacon and eggs with some extra bacon and some extra eggs. I then had a shower where I sang a song, composed by myself, all about my success.
I then found a cupboard which I never knew I had.
Tuesday
Whilst walking around the park I had various thoughts, like why can’t I taste my own tongue? And if there are an infinite number of universes does that mean there are an infinite number of Jeremys? And where the hell did I put my wallet? One day my brain will help advance medical science.
Wednesday
Wrote a letter today to some doctors. Boooring! I explained that all the changes I’ve made to their contracts, to their pay and to their working hours were done because I want to keep things exactly the same. I hope they buy it.
I don’t know what they’re all het up about. In a recent poll 80% thought that 30% were 16% happier than they were 5 years ago and the remaining two and a fifth quarters didn’t even understand the question. I then had some meetings and stuff.
Thursday
Wandered down to the club where I met up with David. We started off with sherry and quickly progressed to Chateau Petrus accompanied by the reassuring ting of crystal. David asked me to hold my breath and squeeze my eyes shut really tight in order to think of a good idea, but I couldn’t. I did do a small fart though which made us roar with laughter.
After more sherry I flicked a spoonful of soufflé which amazingly travelled the whole length of the dining room and just before passing out I remember David swinging towards me at great speed on a chandelier.
Friday
Woke up feeling miserable. All of my pubes had been shaved off and I felt like a BMA rep had taken a shit in my head. David came round to apologise and cheered me up by saying that one day I will go down in the history books as the man who changed the NHS forever. Can’t wait!
Dr Kevin Hinkley is a GP in Edinburgh
