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The fairer sex

According to the latest research, women want to have children and look after them.

‘It’s a very exciting study,’ explained Professor Candid, ‘because it goes against the grain of traditional thinking. Back in the day we used to think that women were desperate to hand over their ovaries so they could carry on making money for their greedy over-lords. But in fact our study proves the exact opposite. I have to say we’ve come a long way in our understanding of these matters over the past thirty years. We’ve now proved that humans come in two different forms, two different flavours if you like. One of them is called a ‘man’ who is readily identifiable by his short hair and the other is a called a ‘woman’ who has long hair and lays eggs.’

He goes on to explain: ‘In the study we found that the type known as ‘woman’ actually incubates miniature people inside her belly and then deposits them whole, either on the carpet or in a hot tub, to the great satisfaction of her relatives. I know, I was shocked too! Incredulously she then wants to work flexibly so she can spend time looking after it’.

Reaction to the study’s findings was sought from some good old fashioned doctors at a gentleman’s club in Kensington.

‘I find it utterly intolerable and rather sad,’ said a retired professor of medicine, ‘that the devout, spiritual love that exists solely between a mother and her child should be more important than seeing forty dreary patients a day and ticking some boxes because the government tells you to.’

An ageing professor of surgery, drooling over a glass of port, said: ‘I’ve long thought of women as smaller, slightly odd looking men, but they may actually be a sub-species incapable of working twenty hours a day due to so-called ‘family commitments’. Apparently women like to spend time with their families, taking their children ice skating and going to the zoo, but clearly this is unacceptable and such activities must cease before the NHS collapses completely.  Also a woman can’t pee up a wall which jolly well rules her out in my view.’ 

‘I just don’t understand why women are being given such a hard time,’ says modern mum Emily, who works as a salaried doctor at a busy practice in Croydon. ‘Women prop up the NHS and we’re due to make up the majority of the work force in the near future. After working for well in excess of fourteen hours, I used to drag my lifeless corpse around the supermarket and if my three year-old started whinging on about sweeties I would put my fingers in my ears and scream until the checkout girl called security’.

‘But then I discovered speed.’

‘Now I’ve converted my back bedroom into a northern soul-night venue and I just can’t stop dancing, no seriously, I mean it, I just can’t stop, please help me!’

Professor Candid concludes: ‘Over half of the world’s population is female and we think that there’s a fifty-fifty chance you can turn into a woman at any time. At the weekends I turn into a woman and parade around the house in my wife’s knickers, but during the week I put on a suit and become normal again. To be honest I think this is the future of womanhood’.

Dr Kevin Hinkley is a GP in Aberdeen.