The British government plans to spend billions of innocent tax payers’ money on building a great big wall around the UK.
‘The wall is going to be really really high and will have barbed wire on the top and there’ll be search lights and machine gun posts and everything,’ says Professor Candid who’s heading up Britain’s biggest ever civil engineering project.
He took us round the site where building has already started, ‘As you can see we managed to build a little bit of wall just here and another little bit over there before we ran into some technical difficulties – we couldn’t get planning permission, we unearthed a medieval plague pit and we accidentally ran over an otter. Things really stalled though when we hit a gas pipe and blew everything up.’
‘The idea behind the wall isn’t to keep people out,’ explains the Professor, ‘this isn’t Hungary you know! The idea is to stop people like you from leaving. Look at it this way, we spend 5 billion a year training you lot up and it’s not fair that you can just jump ship and work somewhere you’ll be appreciated, like Australia.’
According to a leaked document, the Government examined a range of other options, including forcing doctors to work in the NHS to pay back their training fees. In a more humane spirit, they also designed an exploding neck-collar which self-detonates when you reach the perimeter.
‘I don’t know if you’ve ever seen the Running Man,’ says Professor Candid, ‘but that last idea’s got some mileage.’
Dr Kevin Hinkley is a GP in Edinburgh