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The Government’s latest plans for NHS reform: slavery

The country has run out of money and trying to cut costs in an organisation as unwieldy and politically unforgiving as the NHS is proving next to impossible.

In a recent press release the Government announced that in order to solve some of the current financial difficulties it wants to reintroduce slavery to the health service: ‘We want to say to the doctors of Britain that the good times are over!

‘And if you think we’re joking just take a look at the new contract. I know what some of you are thinking: “Slavery just isn’t for me!” and “I’m a little too independent-minded to be owned by my employer, kept in a cage and force-fed gruel until I drop dead of scurvy!”

‘But let me reassure you, slavery has an undeservedly bad press, it can be a selfless and at times a very rewarding profession and it’s great for the economy too! Besides, how on earth do you think we can meet our cancer targets if we have to constantly pander to international law.”

The Government’s model of slavery, which it hopes will stop the NHS tipping off the edge, will be loosely based on Ben-Hur.

The press officer continued: ‘To be honest, we’re thinking of doing away with the cages, the galley slaves and the iron fetters because doctors are so exhausted and apathetic that the invisible manacles which clamp their minds will do just as well.’

He ended by saying: ‘I’m sorry to say this but we’ve seen the future and the future isn’t bright and it certainly isn’t  f*cking orange, the future is most definitely feudal.’

Dr Kevin Hinkley is a GP in Aberdeen