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The right person for the job

After years of messing around, the Government has finally decided that enough is enough and a complete and utter shit should be put in charge of the NHS.

A spokeperson said: “We’ve tried for a long time to get it right – I don’t mean right for patients and their families and I don’t mean right for doctors, what I mean is we’ve tried for ages to get a total maverick in charge of the NHS. But despite reshuffling more times than in poker, we just haven’t been able to achieve it.”

They continued: “The person at the top needs to have certain qualities, they need to have just the right amount of smugness, dribbled with oily charm and served-up with a side salad of self-righteousness. This combination will make you want to rip his cretinous little head off and use it as a bowling ball. To be honest, up until now we haven’t been able to find the right person and we’re ashamed to say that the latest Cabinet reshuffle just hasn’t delivered.”

After a national campaign to find the biggest rogue in the country, the Government discovered the chosen one living under the flight path of Luton airport. For legal reasons he has to remain nameless and for biblical reasons, only known to themselves, he has to remain faceless.

“We’re very excited about him and he’s shown great promise so far. Apparently he refuses to buy rounds, he blows in your ear to get your attention, he holds a middle management position, he makes a note in his little pocketbook whenever you’re 10 minutes late, he tells you he can fly a plane when you know full well that the nearest he ever got was the time he crapped his pants in a glider and he once put his neighbour’s cat in the bin.”

It’s also rumoured that he calls his best friend ‘bitch’ and enjoys watching Hollyoaks.

The spokesperson concluded: “We hope that doctors will soon get used to having a capricious oily little devil in charge of their health service. What’s that? Oh, silly me, they should be used to that by now, shouldn’t they.”

Dr Kevin Hinkley is a GP in Aberdeen