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The season of good cheer

Santa complains that he just can’t get an appointment to fit round his working hours.

‘I know you lot think I only work one day a year but that’s just a load of commie bull-sh*t.

‘I’m actually in a highly specialised line of work and when my chief elf went down with the flu last season we couldn’t get an appointment for him for weeks. It turned out that he was just malingering so I fired him, but that’s not the point.’

Santa, who lives in an area of heavy woodland up north somewhere, thinks that GPs should leave their cosy homes and start providing a service for a change so that hard working fictional characters can just get on with their jobs

‘My wife is very high maintenance so I really need to keep this gig going. If I get side-swiped through ill health I’m going to sue the NHS.’

The thought of an old man breaking into your house in the middle of the night has terrified children for centuries, but this year Santa can’t see how he’s going to juggle his work commitments with seeing his doctor should he become unwell.

‘I’ve got a f**king tight schedule,’ says Santa, ‘and I just can’t afford to sit around on a trolley in A and E. Last year I waited for five hours on a gurney only to be told by a junior doctor that I needed more tests. Have you ever been bitten by a reindeer? No? Well it f*cking kills! All I wanted was some codeine and a tetanus jab!’

Santa, the bearded man of merriment, is unhappy with the NHS: ‘If I get unwell this year I’m just gonna to have to say “hah to hell with it!” Live without your Xbox! Anyways, you’re 34 years old. Get a life!’

Dr Kevin Hinkley is a GP in Aberdeen.