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The tartan contract

A spokesman for the Scottish Government said: ‘These are exciting times and in the next couple of years we’ll be introducing a raft of measures to ensure Scotland has its own independent contract, which will far better meet the needs of our population. We want to see a range of new indicators based on a number of locally focused areas.’

He then added: ‘In truth, any contract will do, as long as it’s different to the English one.’

A Scottish scientist speaking at the annual Scottish conference in Scotland says: ‘I whole-heartedly welcome a local GMS contract. Science has demonstrated that the Scots are very different to our genetically identical English cousins.

‘For example, Scottish babies are born covered in wool, which is only shed when they go to university. And the average Scotsman can now survive a blood alcohol level that would kill anyone south of Hadrian’s Wall. These subtle changes in our physiology, which aren’t recognised by any Westminster contract, have also given us a taste for eating boiled cow’s cock, a meat-nightmare that can kill a small child. Preferably an English one.’

Local writer and commentator Jim McGoon, author of Ma haeds burstin’ and other ailments, famously said that Scottish diseases should be for Scottish people: ‘Only in Scotland can someone have a choice of two deaths, a heart attack or a stabbing – maybe even three if you count choking on a black pudding.’

For this reason, Jim believes that the contract should be advertised by that mild-mannered, multiculturalist Mel Gibson, dressed up as Braveheart.

In his closing comments, the Scottish minister said: ‘We’ve known for a long time, since the reign of Edward the First, that Scottish people and English people are different. This difference, not encouraged for any nationalistic reasons you understand, can only be increased by a Scottish-only QOF.’

In response to the accusation that this policy represents a move toward medical apartheid and is just yet another cynical way for Scotland to stamp its identity on things, the minister merely replied: ‘Get tae f*ck.’

Dr Kevin Hinkley is a GP in Aberdeen, Scotland