The controversial findings are the result of painstaking research conducted by world renowned sugar expert Professor Candid.
‘The research we did here at the Institute for Sticky Buns,’ says the professor, ‘confirms beyond all unreasonable doubt that a single gram of sugar contains at least one gram of sugar, unless it’s been cut with sweetex.’
Sugar has become the new heroin and the media can’t get enough of smearing its once sweet name.
‘On the street,’ continues the professor, ‘sugar is in high demand.
‘It’s smuggled in on boats or a special night train and is known as the white stuff, Satan’s Sucrose or just simply as SHUGA.
In its pure form it’s pressed into cubes, which have to be handled with a small pair of forceps and can be chewed raw only by a horse.’
Jim McFury, a local prisoner and all-round scrote, said: ‘When I was doing a seven-day lie down in the Clink my wingman smuggled in some high grade SHUGA, he shat it out in the Peter.
‘What’s that you, mug? What’s a Peter?’
‘Peter Pan. Can. You idiot.’
‘Anyway, we divided it up between us and snorted it. It tasted a bit like poo but I still had it – it was desperate times. That’s a nice phone you’ve got by the way.’
Outraged mother of two, Julie, said: ‘You can now buy a tenner bag of it for ten pounds and some shops sell it as some kind of legal high disguised as a Curly Wurly. I mean just look at Alfie’s teeth – exactly! He doesn’t have any! Even crack doesn’t do that.’
Prof Candid added: ‘It’s not just the street kidz though that use this stuff, there’s probably a middle-class party happening right now where middle-class people have got round to eat glazed fruit and muesli bars and complement each other on their unread Jack Kerouac collection. It’s disgusting.’
To quote from Prof Candid’s latest book, Oh Sugar Sugar, You Are My Candy Girl (which can’t be read without humming the tune), ‘sugar addiction and obesity is now a pandemic’.
Well, it is if you live in an utterly shameless country like the UK full of self-entitled idiots, but it’s not if you live like 90% of the world’s population and your life consists of fetching water from the local well and avoiding dysentery.
Dr Kevin Hinkley is a GP in Aberdeen.