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Transfer market for patients

Patients who haven’t been seen for five years will be put on the open transfer market, says NHS England. 

The move follows calls to tighten up list sizes and according to one GP, the horsetrading could well benefit his practice.

‘We’ve had a poor season you know,’ he reported. ‘We’ve struggled on the financial side, we’ve had our fair share of injury and we’ve had managers come and go. But credit where it’s due, the lads have come together and poured their heart and soul into it.

‘Rumour has it we might be able to turn things around by trading 20 badly-behaved non-attenders for some unvaccinated children.’ 

‘I know I haven’t performed well,’ admitted one of the patients up for transfer, ‘but I’ve been at that practice for 20 years, man and boy, and as soon as I forget to turn up for reviews I’m given the hoof. I mean, it’s not like I’ve bitten anyone is it.’ 

As one pundit said: ‘The way I see it, both sides have scored a couple of goals and both sides have conceded a couple of goals. It’s a beautiful game.’

Dr Kevin Hinkley is a GP in Aberdeen.