Violence in GP surgeries is soaring and reaction was sought from the community to help shed some light.
‘They are everywhere,’ warned one police chief, ‘so be on your guard. If one of them kicks off, go for his eyeballs – he same holds for a shark attack – either that or play dead. Or is that bears? Well, anyway, the take-home message should be, wet towels don’t prevent bruising.’
If being drunk and foul in the waiting room wasn’t enough, the latest survey reveals that some patients take to stealing bits of the building.
‘Someone broke in at the weekend and nicked all of our pipes,’ exclaimed one exasperated GP. ‘We didn’t have any water for a week, and we found out that the copper was melted down by a local gang and made into grills for that Goldie-style street look. I haven’t been able to listen to a breakbeat hardcore track in the same way since.’
Marius, a body-builder from Lithuania, whose cannon-ball-shaped head blots out the sun, says his local surgery offered him a job after a patient went ape in reception.
‘Ninety-nine percent of patients are well-behaved and use services appropriately,’ the GP added, ‘but if you want to pee out of the window or get fruity, just remember: Marius can crush you like a pretzel.’
It seems that as the number of assaults grows, the number of patients that GPs want to punch in the face also grows.
‘It’s a classic symbiotic relationship,’ said one statistician. ‘You know, the word symbiotic makes me think of tape worms.’
The problem of violence in general practice has become so rife that self-defense courses are now being run by Margaret, who used to man the reception at her local GP surgery. ‘I can show you moves that would take down a horse,’ she remarked.
‘Nobody f*cks with Margaret,’ read her t-shirt, and to be honest I doubt anyone ever will.
Dr Kevin Hinkley is a GP in Aberdeen.