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Eat dust RCGP

Through the K Hole takes a satirical look at the potential threat hanging over the new RCGP headquarters.

Speaking from a portacabin near Hartlepool, a fellow of the Royal College of General Practice says:

‘It was a really exciting day. We had just been given the keys to our newly refurbished headquarters on Euston Road and we were all set to move in.

‘The conference suite had been steam cleaned and our exquisite parquet flooring had been triple waxed by a team of restorers. The basement brimmed with delightfully aged Chateau Petrus and was maintained at a constant twelve degrees. The whole building had the reassuring ting of crystal which made the Savoy look like a bed-sit in Bridlington.

‘In order to finance this medical Xanadu some bright spark had come up with the genius idea of making the CSA so difficult to pass that practically every candidate would have to re-sit it at fifteen hundred quid a pop and we were due to make a killing from revalidation.

‘But our palatial dreams were soon shattered when the Department of Transport turned up with a council-approved permit and an army of diggers ready to demolish the property in order to make way for a high speed rail link.

‘At first I thought it was a joke but reality quickly sunk in when a huge piece of ceiling cornice dropped onto my head.

‘I screamed from the window..…This is a very important building you know, originally designed by the architect Arthur Beresford Pite…..and we have real art on the walls…the kind painted with a brush….but I was met with what can only be described as jeering from the builders below.

‘When one of them axed through a regency display cabinet we sensed a subtle shift in the balance of power and decided to barricade ourselves in the basement. But to be honest there’s only so much table wine you can drink and twelve degrees is f**king freezing.

‘We were working our way through the fourteenth rack of Petrus and making an inebriated toast to the college president when I saw an enormous wrecking ball looming towards me with the words “eat dust RCGP” crudely graffitied onto the side.’

The Department of Transport’s official response was: ‘It’s just tough titties…we’d given them three days of warning, granted that was over a bank holiday weekend but we’re not in charge of the calendar are we! I suggest that they write down their complaints and since they’re a Royal College they can always post them off to the Queen.’

‘After destroying several grade two listed properties we can now shave approximately ten seconds off the average commute time.’

An important member of the college who enjoys eating five course lunches and farting like a hero says: ‘What do you mean my rare collection of 17th century surgical instruments is dust………oh sh*t!’

Dr Kevin Hinkley is a GP in Aberdeen.

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