Wanted for 2022: generic healthcare worker (formerly known as GP) to work in ambitious, multi-centre, virtual organisation aiming to target holistic wellbeing at clients (formerly known as patients).
This is a TRANSFORMATIONAL role. It is a multi-level, multi-centred organisation that truly believes in the national, international and intergalactic reach of TECHNOLOGY to deliver profits to the three of us.
The centre (previously known as heart) of what we do is transforming sick people with needs into healthy people with requirements.
Our focus is on COMMUNICATION about economies of scale and how best to employ each healthcare worker – which in our business are called ‘a unit of productivity’ – to provide rapid, holistic care at the lowest acquisition costs so that we can go to Barbados for cheese and wine business meetings.
Our client interfacing platform performs keyword searches within ten seconds of presentation, providing a diagnosis and targeted response within one minute. This gives us a consultation rate of 60 an hour.
Clients will be provided with wearable technology that delivers second-by-second conscious (formerly known as vital) signs monitoring. In the event of signs of malfunction (previously termed distress) a shock will be delivered either in the form of a surge of electrical current or a one-minute cognitive behavioural therapy lecture.
You must be a virtual team player. You will be well versed in Zoom backgrounds and how to mute units of productivity (HCWs) with views that are not in keeping with our aims and objectives.
An ability to CODE is desirable. This is the main mode of communication within our organisation.
You must have perfect teeth, and not wear cardigans or jumpers (these are not protected characteristics under the Equality Act 2010).
You need a typing speed of 3,000 words per minute to ensure smooth processing of secondary care paperwork.
We would also like you to have a PhD in minor respiratory illnesses, but this is not essential. Training will be provided.
Ability to triage to alternative services preferred. PPE will be provided in the unlikely event of client contact.*
Our commitment to you**
We will provide a uniform and a badge that says ‘I heart the NHS’.
Remuneration will be based on the number of your clients that deliver conscious signs for data harvesting.
*PPE will be supplied by matthancockspublandlord.inc
**second person plural-restrictions apply
Dr Charlotte Alexander is a GP in Surrey