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Like asking Stevie Wonder to drive you to the airport

Through the K Hole takes a satirical look at the rollout of the patient participation DES

'To have people who know next to nothing about healthcare, who never cared to open up a medical textbook, who know nothing about the commissioning of services having a big say in how things should be run seemed like a fantastic idea for a DES to us. I mean in our fluffy world, full of never ending summers and poppy-fields that stretch gently out into the distance what could possibly go wrong?'

Audrey, who coined the term Big Society whilst choking on a Chelsea bun, says: 'I've designed a survey with questions like, 'Do you love your doctor?' And if the answer is a resounding "no" then our patient group has the right to burn a knitted effigy of the GP in the car park.'

Robert Pilkington, a local chancer who asked to remain nameless, says: 'I know doctors have been to university for six years but I've been to the university of life, which is a bit like Coventry polytechnic with a nasty dose of the clap, so it's only fair that my opinions are listened to.'

'And to be honest I can't wait to start influencing my local practice policy. For starters I would introduce a ten year back-dated sick line, no questions asked, the gold standard treatment for blocked sinuses will become crack cocaine and I want to see a fruit machine installed in my practice which dispenses only the finest Crystal Meth. I think there's every chance that the local PCT would agree to these demands.'

Reaction was sought from a 21 year old N-Dubz fan from Wrexham. Jazzy-B as he's called, or Brian if you're his mum, will soon be sitting on his patient representative group: 'My GP waiting room is well dull man, there ain't no bangin' tunes nor nuffin, we need to pimp up da crib and replace da nurses wid some well fit hunnies…. d'ya get me! and everyone will have to speak in faux Jamaican accents…Irie Man!....please don't ask me what that means...I'm a solicitor you know.'

Professor Candid who co-authored the influential works Patients, who needs ‘em, and My eyes are closed but I'm still listening says: 'When I was a young dresser working 28 hours a day, patients were pretty irrelevant. In many ways medicine was like commanding troops in the field, the patients needed to be led to their untimely deaths and we certainly wouldn't ask them for their opinion! God forbid you'll be asking women for their views next....what do you mean they've got the vote?'

A cynic argues: 'Isn't the idea of allowing patients to dictate practice policy a bit dangerous? I mean, it's like asking Stevie Wonder to drive you to the airport, great for a pop video but potentially disastrous in real life.'

Audrey, who has the words 'cake' and 'doily' tattooed onto her knuckles ends by saying: 'If as part of the new DES I can't pop in to see my GP on a Sunday morning after browsing in my local charity shop for novelty thimbles I shall be forced to introduce him to my fists, Mr and Mrs Pain'.

Dr Kevin Hinkley is a GP in Aberdeen

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