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NHS England pursues dead single-handers for their ‘forward views’

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NHS England has been contacting dead single-handed doctors to ask them what they should do with their patients, it has emerged.

On a mission to receive detailed continuity plans, NHS England managers have been contacting the dead doctors for the past several months.

One single-handed GP, who was selfish enough to die before making a plan for his practice, said: ‘One minute I was lying in a hospital bed surrounded by grieving relatives and the next I was soaring above the clouds feeling euphoric.

‘I was just about to open up the pearly gates when NHS England contacted me and asked me why I hadn’t responded to their very detailed questionnaire in a timely manner.

‘I have to say I was more than a little disappointed, those gates were really pearly, but it seems that not even death can set me free.’

It’s not clear how NHS England is managing to contact the dead, but it’s thought to involve Yvette Fielding and that Derek Acorah fella, and a job lot of black candles.