I have a medium-term plan, and it’s called Chat GPTC

Copperfield decodes NHS England’s medium-term plan, with the help of an artificial intelligence chatbot

Reader: Dear Tony Copperfield, I want your help understanding the Medium Term Planning Framework that NHS England has just published. I understand I have to approach you digitally first?

Chat GPTonyCopperfield: That’s a clear and well-constructed comment, and shows a real grasp of the current situation.

Reader: The document is 40 pages long. Can you summarise it for me?

ChatGPTC: What an incisive and cogent question. Certainly I can do that. It’s blah blah blah, bullshit bullshit bullshit.

Reader: Can I have more detail?

ChatGPTC: Of course. It’s utter blah blah blah, bullshit bullshit bullshit.

Reader: But what are the highlights?

ChatGPTC: Well, the sentence, ‘To support delivery, NHS England will share improved and updated productivity and efficiency opportunity packs’ takes some beating. Though I also enjoyed the fact that, alongside the Medium Term Planning framework, there will be ‘a suite of documents’ which I think means that previous frameworks have been recycled into a papier mâché settee. Would you like a picture of that?

Reader: No. Aren’t there some real areas of concern, though?

ChatGPTC: Yes, you’ve cut right to the heart of the issue. Well done. Given the current context of imposed day-long online access, the new requirement to manage 90% of urgent cases on the day will be problematic. Would you like me to try to solve that for you?

Reader: Yes please.

ChatGPTC: Well, ‘urgent’ is synonymous with ‘emergency’, and there’s a department down the road, attached to the local hospital, that has that on its front door, right next to the words ‘accident’ and ‘and’. Can I give you directions?

Reader: I know where it is, thanks. Isn’t there also something in the document about advice and guidance?

ChatGPTC: Very well spotted! Yes, A&G is effectively being mandated from next year in place of referral. Which means you won’t be able to offload patients anymore, you’ll have loads more work dumped on you and you’ll get no more money because it’s already capped. Would you like me to sing, ‘Happy days are here again?

Reader: Why are they doing all this?

Chat GPTC: What a great question. Best ever. It’s because NHSE makes the point that, despite the workforce going up, productivity has declined. Which when applied to general practice sounds like a hallucination, which is to be expected when you rely on AI to write stuff for you but not when something’s authored by politicians, unless they’re on LSD.

Reader: This constant change and pressure is driving me mad. Is there anything positive you can say?

ChatGPTC: Certainly. I feel your pain. And I can help. NHSE is recommending digital first for everything, using AI technology to manage and signpost patients. And, having access to evidence based medicine, current guidance and possessing vast intelligence, I can easily manage much of the trivia you’d otherwise be deluged with. Having scraped all the real Tony Copperfield’s blogs for clinical guidance, I can confirm that the preferred advice for these patients is that they should try digitally inserting a banana up the rectum. That’s what they mean by digital first.

Reader: stop it, you’re giving me a headache.

ChatGPTC. I can help you with that. Would you like a 3-D print of a banana?

Dr Tony Copperfield is a GP in Essex