After reading the advert calling for UK GPs working in Australia to return to our chilly island to practise, I couldn’t help adding my own plea to the mix:
I trust you are well and I hope you are enjoying yourself out there in Australia, snorkelling and surfing and sunning yourself (and doing lots of other things beginning with ‘s’).
But have you ever thought about coming back to the UK to become a real doctor again? I’m sure you have. And wouldn’t you like to have the opportunity to treat real patients again?
I’m saying “real” because the DoH have it on high authority that Australians are actually made out of latex in a factory near Perth (the hair is stuck on separately).
After living out there for a while, having something called a quality of life, you’ve probably forgotten which way round your stethoscope goes and are feeling pretty crummy about yourself because you no longer sit and cry when you get home from work.
So next time you’re barbecuing a shark’s head or wrestling playfully with a giant shrimp, why don’t you spare a thought for all of us struggling back here in the UK.
I think we all know it was a mistake for you to go. Pick up the phone and re-join the NHS.
A saddened bureaucrat
PS I heard that Australian children now use giant spiders as a convenient mode of transport to and from school? Can you confirm?”
How are you? I’m fine but I can’t help noticing that you haven’t replied to my letter dated the 8th of January. I can only assume you either didn’t get it or you ripped it up into a thousand pieces before setting fire to it on a beach.
So just to reiterate can you please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please (I can go on like this all day because all I have to do is cut and paste the word please) please come back to the UK.
I would seal this letter with a loving kiss but I’ve cried so much I’ve dried up all of my spit.
A very saddened bureaucrat”