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Brexiter wonders who will look after Granny

‘Who’s going to wipe my granny’s arse now?’ Demands furious Brexiter.

Julie is a Brexiter from Sunderland: ‘When Boris Johnson told me to kick out all the Johnny foreigners I thought it was a great idea. It’s amazing what an over-sized privileged blond child waving a flag can do to your brain.’

But now that Theresa May is poised to push the Brexit button, Julie is beginning to have second thoughts.

‘My Gran is 94 and she’s looked after at the nursing home by a team of dedicated Polish carers. When I said I wanted to kick out the foreigners I didn’t mean them of course. If they go who’s going to wipe my granny’s arse? I’m not going to do it, she looks like a turtle and thinks I’m Clement Attlee for heaven’s sake!’

The floors at Julie’s local hospital are mopped by Romanians, her GP is German and that nice cardiologist she once saw about her palpitations originated from Ukraine.

‘I didn’t think this through,’ says Julie, ‘Where have Boris and Nigel gone? I need them to tell me what to do.’