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Crown your achievements, Mr Hunt. I have the very thing

Dear Rt Hon Jeremy Hunt,

That’s a lovely crown you’re wearing!

What crown? I hear you ask.

Let me explain. My wife (who doesn’t own a crown) told me that you often refer to general practice as the ‘jewel in the crown’ of the NHS. I have to admit that she sometimes gets her wires crossed though. Only last week she told me that Boris Johnson keeps his identical twin sister locked up in the tower of London.

But anyway, if she’s right about the crown thing, it tells me one thing about you Jeremy! You know a good crown when you see one!

And as luck would have it I’ve been making jewellery (and crowns) for the last 20 years. Over these past two decades I have designed many pieces, including a Nepalese ceremonial bracelet, a pair of ear-rings for Angelina Jolie, a tiny gold wrist watch for Nicole Kidman’s pet lizard and a cock ring for that fella from Sharpe (sorry I can’t remember his name).

But for the last 12 months I have been busying myself in my shed designing, nay, ‘crafting’ a crown for you Mr Jeremy Hunt Rt Hon MP.

Armed with nothing more than a creative vision, a jeweller’s eye piece, a freakishly small hammer and an iron ore smelter (the neighbours weren’t too happy with that one I can tell you!) my work is now done.

The metal is tempered and cooled, the stones are polished and glitter like sunbeams, and you can wear your crown, fixed with the sparkling jewel of general practice, as you go about your official duties.

You can wear it as you greet a GP leaving his or her surgery after a gruelling 14-hour day, you can wear it whilst you walk majestically past a practice which is closing its doors for the very last time, or you could even wear it as you hover uselessly behind a burnt out GP who is contemplating suicide as they read yet another patient complaint. But whatever you choose to do with it Jeremy, wear it with pride, you’ve earned it.

Unfortunately I don’t have enough money to send it to you in the post (it weighs a ton) but how about next Tuesday at my place for the coronation? You could even bring Boris’s twin.

Yours Sincerely,

Mr Strugatsky