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Cuddly bears are nothing more than fluffy death

A teddy bear in Surrey known only as Mr Biggles has been linked to diarrhoea deaths. ‘Do you really want to read this headline?’ asked Margaret, a PCT infection control lead. ‘Because I know I don’t, and unless we clamp down on children’s toys in GP waiting rooms it could well become a reality. It’s now scientifically proven that cuddly bears look soooo, soooo cute, but are, in fact, nothing more than fluffy death and carry more MRSA than a coach tour to Brighton.’

Margaret continued: ‘I’m so passionate about this that even the lonely cries of human children aren’t enough to prevent my reforms. What’s that? Christmas decorations!? Forget it! Tinsel is Satan’s necklace!’

A two year old from the North East says: ‘I was busy sucking on my dum-dum trying to poke a marble into my ear when Margaret swept by full of self-importance and took all of the games out of the waiting room. Imposing beliefs that don’t have a shred of evidence and living in fear of something which is both ubiquitous and invisible sounds like evangelism to me.’

Margaret replied: ‘I have only one thing to say to that toddler: tough titties sweetheart! Count yourself lucky that I didn’t boil your teddy to death. By the way, can I offer you a hand wipe?’

If those at infection control are to be believed, then GP waiting rooms are about to explode in a geyser of slime. But the soft toy and the colourful game can distract and comfort an ill child. Once again, though, common sense has been gutted and filleted, leaving us with nothing more than the bare bones, bland walls and banks of empty plastic seats.