In the latest drive to reduce demand, save the NHS money and stop patients going to see their GP, GPs have been asked to stop being GPs.
‘We’re not sure why we didn’t think of it before,’ says a spokesman for the CQC, ‘when a patient comes in with loose stool, head lice, dry skin, worms, hayfever, aches and pains, a sore throat, indigestion, ear wax, or thrush… or in fact any number of human complaints, then GPs should just tell the patient to f*ck off. It’s the kindest, most compassionate thing to do.’
‘I’m looking forward to this new approach,’ says a recently qualified GP from Croydon, ‘When a self-conscious teenager comes to me about her acne I’m just going to get up out my chair, open the door and wait silently for her to leave. I’m not going to make any eye contact with her either.’
‘It’s hoped that this approach will encourage a sense of self-sufficiency and engender a mutual feeling of trust between the public and GPs,’ says the CQC.