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How to write a Pulse blog – and get five stars!

Ever wondered how to be the most popular blogger in town? Want to avoid the sharp spears of anonymous keyboard warriors? Always dreamt of making it to the top of the Pulse ‘Most Popular’ chart? Well here’s a helpful step by step guide to talk you through it:

Step 1: Preferably have an X and Y chromosome. Having XX is ok, as long as you’re not too opinionated and don’t mention your partner in several articles.

Step 2: The older you are the better, although you should be at least 40. Any younger and you’re probably too naïve, immature or inexperienced to have opinions. Silly kids. (NB Writing anonymous, personal comments on other blogs is a very mature thing to do, don’t worry).

Step 3: Get yourself a black and white photo. Concerned yet slightly mournful is the look you’re ideally going for. A twinge of a smile is ok but this should not under any circumstances make you look smug, or worst of all, happy. GPs are not happy.

Step 4: Diss the Government, RCGP, HEE, CCG, LMC or any other large organisation/acronym that springs to mind. Why aren’t they doing anything to help?! Gits.

Step 5: Continue the dissing. Don’t forget those GPs who do other things aside from their clinical work. How dare they? Lazy scamps. Do some real work!

Step 6: Clearly state how shit everything is at the moment.

Step 7: Frown on all new models of working, new roles and locums. Emphasise how good the small business model is and how well it’s worked for years.

Step 8: Tell a negative story of modern patients but remind everyone that the patient is always your first concern. You are a saint-like GP after all.

Step 9: Edit post to convey a cynical yet light-hearted, humorous tone.

Step 10: Remind everyone how shit everything is at the moment. They might have forgotten since Step 6 (add a bit more dissing at this point if it helps).

Step 11: Sit back and enjoy the comments about how wonderful you are and what an excellent article you’ve written, *sigh*.

Dr Sarah Merrifield is a GP leadership fellow in Yorkshire